The Matrix: The Lighter Side
by MasterMillerLITE
Summary: A collection of scenes from the first movie with comic twists. If you love The Matrix, READ IT! If you hate The Matrix, READ IT!
1. My Job Sucks

**AUTHOR'S NOTES:** Hey everyone! Welcome to _The Matrix: The Lighter Side_. Basically, this is a collection of various scenes from the first movie that have been altered to include a more comical atmosphere. Where did they come from you ask? Well, many of them are basically little skits myself and my friends came up with. Since we're big fans of the trilogy – especially the first movie– , we decided that it would be only fair if we could also poke fun at it as well. They're not all in order, and some of them won't connect with others, but generally they will.

Anyway, enough of me typing away boring commentary. Enjoy _The Matrix: The Lighter Side_!

Oh yes, the Wachowski Bros. – not to be confused with the Super Mario Bros .– are responsible for the characters and plots of the three _Matrix_ films. Warner Bros. – who are often confused with the Wachowski Bros., but not related to the Wright Bros., who are often mistaken as the Parker Bros. – is responsible for filling our homes filled with Matrix goodness.

**WARNING:** Although there's nothing too graphic here, some material might **not be** suitable for younger audiences. Hey, what are you kids doing on the internet anyway? Shouldn't you be watching something good and wholesome like wrestling or _Desperate House Wives_?

- - - - - -

**MY JOB SUCKS**

**SCENE:** Morpheus' Call, Neo's Botched Escape

Thomas Anderson – or Neo, as he preferred to be called – sat in his cubicle a confused and quietly annoyed man. Over the past week, his life had hit the skids: women were avoiding him, that annoying rash was acting up, his cat died, and now his computer froze after installing the newest version of Windows. What was even nuttier was that his computer spoke to him. Yes, that was no typo. It had told him to follow the white rabbit, and he did so, although the last time he did he woke up sore all over his body. Well, at least he was only late for work this time.

"That Trinity chick was pretty cool, though," Neo said to himself as he played Risk on his PC. Yes, he was supposed to be working, but he needed something to calm his nerves. Still, he always kept losing North America because he couldn't take his mind of Trinity.

"I can't believe I thought she was a dude," he commented as he lost another army in a predictable gang bang by the AI. "What a way to make an impression."

"Thomas Anderson?"

Neo immediately jumped out of his seat and turned around. "Look, I swear, had I known she was 16 I wouldn't have touched her!"

The FedEx man raised his brow. "What?"

The hacker stopped panting and sat down in chair. "Nothing," he mumbled.

The FedEx man was unfazed, and proceeded to hand the bizarre black haired man a package. "Alrighty. Here you go," he said as pulled out a clip board with some papers on it and gave it to Anderson. "Just sign here."

Neo signed it nonchalantly, and quickly returned it to the FedEx man, who once again raised his brow.

"Sir?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you sign 'N30 R0ck3d ur m0m' here?"

Neo shrugged. "Because I chose to."

The FedEx man shook his head walked away. "Have a nice day."

"_OMGZ ur t0tlly gh3y,"_ Neo thought scornfully as the mail deliverer left the cubicle. He turned his attention to the package laying on his empty desk.

"Now who would send something to me?" Neo said to himself. "The last time I got anything was 6 months ago." Neo paused and collected what he had just said. Slowly, he cocked his head back and forth as he opened the package. "Heh heh, allll right."

To his surprise, out popped a black cell phone. As Neo gazed at it, he jumped as a _Neodammerung_ ring tone began to play. It stopped as soon as he clicked it open, and slowly the hacker placed the phone against his ear.

"Hello?"

"Hello Neo," a deep voice spoke at the other end. "Do you know who this is?"

Neo turned his chair around back towards his desk and leaned forward. "Elvis," he whispered.

A sigh emitted from the other side. "No, I'm not Elvis."

"Jackie Chan," the hacker tried again.

"No. Take another guess."

"Laurence Fishburne?"

"Uh... close. Try again."

Neo rubbed his chin. "Are you James Bond?"

"Which one?"

"Sean Connery."

The voice sighed deeply. "No."

"I know!" Neo suddenly exclaimed. "You're Cowboy Curtis."

"Dammit, Neo, this is Morpheus," the deep voice stated in an exasperated tone.

Neo blinked. Then he looked around his cubicle unsure of what to say. "So... what's up, Morpheus?"

"I've been looking for you, Neo," Morpheus began, only to be cut off by the seemingly clueless hacker.

"Why?"

Morpheus was silent for moment. In truth, he was covering his speaker as he cursed about how stupid Neo was. "If you'd shut up for a moment," he finally said, "I can explain. But unfortunately, we've run out of time, so I guess I can't explain." There was another pause. "They're coming for you Neo and I don't know what they're going to do."

Neo blinked again. He was good at that. "Who's coming for me?"

"Stand up and see for yourself," Morpheus said with a trace of what could be thought of as amusement.

"But I'm on duty."

"Just stand up."

Slowly, Neo rose in an uncertain fashion. He wasn't sure what was happening but he figured he might as well go along. After all, it wasn't like a bunch of government agents were coming for him and planning to stick him in a cramped room with no bathroom or soda machine.

Unfortunately, fate dictated otherwise. Neo saw a group of suited men looking towards his direction as one of the secretaries pointed out the location of his cubicle. Immediately, the hacker dove back down and started moving frantically around in his little office.

"Holy shit!" he exclaimed into the phone. "I can't believe she ratted me out! She's probably pissed because I dumped her." Of course, Neo was in denial. He dumped no one. They dumped him.

"You know, if I were you, I'd get out of there," Morpheus suggested, trying to urge Neo on. Thankfully, it worked.

"How?"

**Meanwhile...**

As they spoke, the agents closed in on the cubicle. Smith – the lead agent – motioned Brown to go down the other row, which coincidently had a snack machine.

"Pick me up some M&M's. No peanuts," Smith stated as Brown took a turn. "If the candy machine eats my money, I'm going to be a very, very unhappy agent of this system."

"Do you want a Coke?" Brown asked.

Smith shook his head. "No. M&M's and soda give me gas."

**Back to the cubicle...**

"I can guide you," Morpheus stated, "but you must do _exactly_ as I say."

"Uh... okay," Neo replied frantically.

"There's a blonde in the cubicle across from you," Morpheus instructed. "Go to her and show her your unit."

Neo looked around like a confused squirrel on a sugar rush. "What? But what if they–"

"Go. Now."

Neo dashed across the aisle into the cubicle across from his. Sure enough, there was a pleasant looking blonde sitting in her office taking notes on some stuff nobody bothered to read but her. Looking up, she moved back in her chair in surprise as the black haired man undid his belt.

"Tom," the blonde asked, "what are you doing?"

"Sorry Tina," Neo said as opened his zipper, "but I have to do everything the man says."

"What man? What–"

She gasped and sat in her chair awestruck as she saw Neo's... member pop out. Immediately, a heavenly glow emitted from the cubicle accompanied by a choir conducted by Don Davis.

**On the Nebuchadnezzar...**

Tank looked at the screen in awe. The code couldn't be right... it just couldn't!

But it was.

"I knew it," he whispered. "He is the One."

**Back in Tina's cubicle...**

Neo finished zipping up as he pressed against a filing cabinet to conceal himself. Agents and police converged on his old cubicle, all the equally dumbstruck by the man's disappearance. For some reason, they missed the heavenly glow just a few moments ago.

"Wait here for just a moment," Morpheus instructed through the phone.

Smith, meanwhile, simply looked into the empty cubicle.

"Curses," he muttered as Brown walked up to him. The head agent looked at his companion.

"The machine ate your money," Brown stated simply before turning and moving back down the hall. Smith clenched his fist in mild anger.

"Double curses."

As the agent walked off in annoyance (for some reason he decided NOT to check the closest cubicle), Neo peaked around the corner to see a lone police officer standing guard.

"Neo," Morpheus spoke, "you need to get to the office at the far end of the hall."

"But how? They'll spot me," he whispered frantically into the phone.

"Check your inventory. You can use the cardboard box you have to disguise yourself."

Neo blinked yet again. He was truly confused by all of this, but decided to give it a shot. He closed his eyes for a few moments before opening them again. To his surprise, he was now inside a cardboard box.

"W00t," the hacker whispered as he quickly moved out of the cubicle and into the hall. Everything was working out perfectly until...

"?"

Agent Jones, who was getting the number of one of the many beautiful secretaries, noticed a box moving quickly across the floor. A question mark appeared over his head as he moved slowly towards it to investigate. It has abruptly stopped moving, but still remained suspicious.

Upon reaching the box, Jones kicked it ever so slightly. Although no sign of anything truly out of the ordinary sprung up, the agent decided that it wasn't safe for a box to be wondering around on its own. In fact, it would probably make a good pet.

"What a good box," Jones cooed as he picked it up. To his surprise, he saw a crouching and very scared Neo suddenly appear.

"!"

"Crap!" Neo yelled as sirens sounded.

"Move Neo!" Morpheus ordered. "They're in Alert Mode!"

"Not cool!" the hacker exclaimed as he used his mighty Push Attack to knock Jones over. Smothered by a box, the agent had no chance to get up and stop his attacker.

Neo quickly sprinted for the office and got inside safely. Locking the door, he looked around the room as he waited for further instructions from Morpheus.

"Good going," Morpheus stated sarcastically. "Thankfully, going into another room eliminates the Alert Mode."

Neo looked around frantically in confusion. "How do you know all this?"

"I'm have the official strategy guide, Neo," Morpheus replied with some amusement. "In any case, you need to get to the roof. Do you see the scaffold outside?"

The bewildered hacker nodded. "Yeah."

"Good. Go to the window to your left and open it," Morpheus instructed, and Neo did so. "Now, drop your pants, go onto the ledge, and yell 'I am a koala'."

Neo paced back towards his former spot. "No way! No way! This is crazy!"

"Didn't I tell you to do _exactly_ as I say?"

The black haired hacker looked down at his feet. "Yes," he replied reluctantly.

"Then do as I say!"

Reluctantly, Neo undid his pants for the second time. Within a few moments, his pants were down at his feet as he stood in his Buzz Lightyear boxers. Slowly, he moved out through the window and onto the ledge.

"This is insane," he muttered to himself as he stepped out onto the ledge. "What did I do? I didn't do anything. Okay, so I am a bum worker by day and illegal hacker by night, but that shouldn't be counted against me." He sighed as he looked down at the street far below him. "I'm gonna die."

Neo took in a short breath. "I am a koala," he yelled meekly, earning a disapproving sound from his cell phone.

"Again!"

"I am a koala!" Neo yelled with a little more force.

"Stop being a pussy. Yell it!"

The hacker took in a deep breath and stretched out his arms. "I AM A KOALA!"

His voice echoed through the city as birds flew off from the might of his voice. Quickly, Neo moved back into the office and put his pants back on.

"So what was the point of that?" he asked as he fixed his belt. "Does that free my mind or something?"

"No," Morpheus simply stated, obviously trying to stifle a laugh. "I just wanted to see if you'd actually go and do that. You're very gullible, Neo."

Neo simply blinked before feeling tears of embarrassment weld up in his eyes. He had yelled with more conviction than at any point in his life, and now he found out it was just for Morpheus' amusement.

"Not cool, Morpheus," Neo sniffled. "Not cool."

"Don't be such a baby," Morpheus commented with an annoyed tone. "Anyway, you should use the scaffold to get to the roof. If not, well, then you'll be captured. Tough choice. Talk to you later. Morpheus out."

The phone clicked off as Neo was left to ponder what to do next. Was he man enough to get to the scaffold? Could he do the impossible and escape from the mysterious yet fiendish clutches of the law?

"I can do this," he said to himself in a determined fashion as he stepped back onto the ledge. "Focus. The koala inside of me makes me strong. Yeah, I AM a koala!" Neo began to move slowly across the ledge as he spoke. "A koala wouldn't surrender. No, it would go up that tree up eat those eucalyptus leaves! I've got to go up that scaffold so I can find my eucalyptus leaves, hopefully in the form of a really hot woman." He began to drool. "Boobies..."

Neo's fantasies were cut short as a gust of wind nearly knocked him off the ledge. His cell phone – no doubt the most expensive thing he had ever been given – fell back down to Earth. Immediately, he latched onto the nearest spot that he could wrap his arms around.

"On second thought, my inner wuss sounds a lot better."

**On the street...**

Neo was shoved into a black car by the agents as they planned to do unspeakable, horrible things to him when the got back to their HQ. As Smith got ready to step into the car, he felt something hard crash against his head.

"Triple curses," he stated as he looked down to see pieces of a broken cell phone scattered on the ground. He swiftly stepped into the car and closed the door.

Trinity looked into her rearview mirror and sighed before she drove off. "So much for the koala."

- - - - - -

More to come!


	2. You Owe Me A Dollar

**YOU OWE ME A DOLLAR**

**SCENE:** Neo's Interrogation

Neo sat uncomfortably in his chair. Never before had this ever happened to him, although there was that one time in Vegas he'd like to forget. Still, this was a major bummer. Now he'd be fired from his job for sure and forced to work at McDonald's. Well, at least it wasn't White Castle.

His thoughts were broken as the door to the room opened. The three suited men who had dragged him into this whole situation entered the room. Two of them moved to the corners of the room, while the other – presumably the leader of the trio – made his way to the seat at the other side of the table. He dropped a giant folder onto said table before sitting down.

The suited man meticulously checked through the files. Neo knew he was dragging it out for dramatic effect. God damn screen hog.

"As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Anderson," the suited man – Smith – began. "It seems as though you've been living_ two_ lives."

"Well I'm not," Neo interceded, standing up from his chair, "so I'm just gonna go home now and eat some pie."

"Sit." Smith growled, which intimidated the dark haired hacker. Looking to the agents standing near him, he sat down slowly, allowing the annoyed agent to continue.

"In one life, you're Thomas A. Anderson; program writer for a respectable software company," Smith drawled on as he flipped through some papers. "You have a Social Security number, you pay your taxes, and you...," he trailed off as a smirk curled his lips, "live in your mother's attic."

Immediately, Jones stifled a laugh. He excused himself for a moment by leaving the room for the hallway outside, where he proceeded to laugh for a good five minutes. Eventually, he re-entered the room with a stoic expression plastered onto his face once again.

Smith flipped through some more papers and continued from where he had left off. "The other life is lived in computers, where you go back the hacker alias 'Neo'," Smith took a moment before droning on, "although you did use the name 'Small Lady' for some time."

"So sue me," Neo spoke up, still sitting uneasily in his chair. "I had a girlfriend who was a big Sailor Moon fan, and I had to use her computer for a while when mine broke down."

"Right," Smith said, glancing at an amused Agent Brown. "As I was saying, you've broken virtually every computer crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future," he stated as he closed the file, "and the other does not."

There was a short silence. Actually, it stretched on for a good minute. Jones began humming the _Inspector Gadget _theme song before Smith finally spoke up.

"Now, I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. Anderson–"

"Don't use your SAT words on me, Mr. 'Look-at-me-I'm-an-attention-whore'," Neo interrupted again. To this Smith simply stuck out his tongue, much to the chagrin of the law-breaking hacker.

"You're here because we need your help." With that, Smith took off his sunglasses, causing Neo to make a bewildered and somewhat disgusted face. Immediately, the agent looked around the room. "Is there something wrong?"

"Agent Smith, are you trying to seduce me?" Neo asked timidly, suppressing the urge to gag. Smith just raised his brow and mouthed the word 'whatever' before pressing on.

"We understand that you've been contacted by a certain individual. A man who calls himself Morpheus." Smith paused for dramatic effect, but Brown simply coughed. "Now, whatever you think about this man is irrelevant–"

Neo jumped up from his chair and pointed at Smith accusingly. "Look, stop throwing your big words around like some dictionary that's trying to cover its Australian accent. You're like a... a...," the hacker was at a loss for words as he looked for an insult. Looking down in defeat, he sat back in his chair. "Poop head."

"It seems, Mr. Anderson, that you've forgotten to take your meds." Smith leaned forward over the table. "Mellow out." The agent leaned back, taking in a breath. "Where was I?"

"You were saying how Morpheus was the most dangerous man alive," Jones stated before taking out his iPod. He wasn't going anywhere at this rate, so he was just going to chill.

Smith nodded. "Yes, right. As you can see, Mr. Anderson, my colleagues believe that I'm wasting my time here." As he said that, the lead agent crumpled up a piece of paper an threw it at Brown, who was busy reading _Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue_. The agent looked up in an annoyed fashion before continuing his... observation of human females. In bikinis. Very wet. Brown is a very lucky AI.

The head agent shook his head before looking back at Neo. "But I believe you wish to do the right thing."

Neo blinked. "Like?"

"Like hand Morpheus over to the proper authorities."

"And why would I do that?"

Smith smiled slightly. "We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start."

"Would I get babes?" Neo asked as soon as Smith finished.

The agent shifted uneasily in his chair. "Er... can we do that, Brown?"

Brown shrugged, not looking up from his magazine. "Check the manual."

Smith sighed lightly. "I'm afraid not, Mr. Anderson."

"Hmm," Neo said in a low tone. "Well, this sucks."

"Indeed it does," Smith replied, scratching his nose.

The black haired hacker leaned forward. "How about I give you something?"

Immediately, all three agents perked up. "Candy?"

Neo looked at all three of them with an uneasy expression. "No, but it's pretty close. Here, you can have this." With that, he flipped Smith the bird, which caused him to frown. "I give you the finger, and you give me a phone call. That's pretty fair."

Smith shook his head slowly as he placed his glasses back on. "We don't roll like that, Mr. Anderson–"

"You can't scare me with this principal's office crap," Neo spat aggressively. "I know my rights, and I want my phone call."

"You do?" Smith questioned, smirking ever so slightly. "What's the 25th Amendment?"

"Well," Neo began, placing his hand on his chin, "the 25th Amendment establishes the procedures for filling the vacancy of the Vice-President as well as the disabilities of the President. It was ratified in t 1967, so in your face, biatch!" The hacker folded his arms in triumph and nodded.

Smith remained unfazed. "Pop quiz, hot shot: who was the first Vice-President appointed under it?"

Neo stared blankly at Smith before looking down at the ground. "Uh... damn it, I know this!" He pressed his hand against his far head. "Focus. Focus." Finally, he looked back up. "Um, George Bush?"

"Wrong. It was Gerald Ford," the agent corrected, taking in a breath of victory.

"Christ, who the hell remembers Gerald Ford?" Neo scoffed. "You've got to be a nerd to know that."

Smith frowned and looked off to the side. That stung him quite a bit. Not since his days in Agent School had he been hurt so badly. No loved him, and it hurt deep down inside. One day, he thought to himself, he would get everyone back for all the pain they caused. He'd do something crazy, something spontaneous, like take over the Matrix in two high-budget action movie sequels. But it was still just a dream.

"I want my phone call," Neo repeated, catching Smith's attention again. A smirk returned to the agent's once saddened face.

"Tell me, Mr. Anderson, what good is a phone call if you don't have exact change?"

Neo blinked for the millionth time as he moved uneasily from one butt cheek to the other. "I have exact change in my..." He frantically began to look around in his pockets. "Oh my God!" He yelled as he stood up in a panic. "Where's my wallet?"

The once preoccupied agents that had been standing at his side grabbed the hacked and slammed him against the table. Neo struggled against their inhuman strength, which made him wish he done some weight lifting in his off time rather than sitting at his computer all day. To further worsen his predicament, Agent Smith stood up and pulled out a wallet – Neo's wallet – from his suit jacket.

"You're going to help us, Mr. Anderson," he stated as he opened the wallet and checked it, "whether you want to or not."

Neo attempted to yell bloody murder, but a sock was stuffed into has mouth, muffling his cries. In dismay and fear, he watched as Smith slowly took a dollar out of his beloved wallet and stuck into his pocket.

"_OMGZ 1'M G3TT1NG PWN3D!11!1!"_ Neo yelled in his mind as he watched a perfectly good, hard earned dollar slip away. Just then, everything went black.

- - - - - -

Neo shot up out of his bed with a yell, and began frantically searching his body. Looking around, he realized he was back in his room. With little time wasted, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his beloved wallet. Searching it within the confines of said wallet, the hacker's eyes widened in realization.

"That bastard owes me a dollar!"


	3. WHAT YOU SAY!

**NOTE:** This is really short and out of order, but I just felt it was something to tide some of you guys over until a long skit gets worked out.

- - - - - -

**WHAT YOU SAY!**

**SCENE:** Neo and a Minigun PWN Agents, Order the Strike

Agent Smith fixed his tie as he stood before a drugged Morpheus and two perplexed Agents. He had been a very bad Agent by not keeping in contact with his partners, and that meant two things: he was either going to lose vacation time, or he'd get no candy later. Neither was an acceptable choice, but it was inevitable.

Before anyone could say anything, the building shook, the lights flickered, and the fire sprinklers went off. Kind of a bizarre event, if you asked me. But in any case, now things were even worse for the Aussie masquerading as an Agent of the system. He was wet, which made him upset, which meant somebody was going to get their ass kicked– Smith style.

"What happen?" Brown finally asked as his suit became drenched from the downpour.

"Somebody set up us the bomb," Smith replied with a snarl. He looked to Jones, who put his hand on his ear plug.

"We get signal," the tall Agent stated.

"What!" Smith asked, though not entirely panic stricken as the reader might think.

Brown stepped forward. "Main screen turn on."

As the Agent spoke, the distinct sound of a helicopter engine closed in. A big, black helicopter that carried a very annoyed and determined Neo, who was manning a giant minigun, hovered outside their window. Trinity, of course, was piloting. It would be difficult for Neo to do anything if he didn't have a pilot. Still, he was the One. He just wasn't beginning to believe yet.

Smith turned to the window to see Neo behind the giant gun pointed straight at them. "It's you!"

"How are you gentlemen!" Neo stated as cool as Keanu Reeves could. Man, they both look a lot alike. I could've sworn they were related. "All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction."

For one reason or another, Smith went down and held his body above the floor with one fist while putting his other hand over his far head in apparent shock and grief. "What you say?"

"You have no chance to survive make your time." Neo added as the gun barrel began to spin. He added a small laugh, though very woodenly. "Ha ha ha ha!"

And then he proceeded to blast the Agents away. Kick ass.

- - - - - -

A few scenes and a couple of high-risk action stunts later, the Agents emerged from the door leading onto the roof where Neo had just done his saving Trinity shtik. It was totally awesome. You should've been there.

As Smith moved over to the gear strewn on the floor, Brown spoke up.

"Smith."

Smith picked up said gear and squeezed it in anger. "Take off every Sentinel."

Jones motioned forward. "You know what you doing?" Smith merely grimaced.

"Move Sentinel." He paused for dramatic effect. "For great justice."

- - - - - -

Dialogue brought to you by _Zero Wing_. "All Your Base" indeed.


	4. Machine On Machine Violence

**MACHINE ON MACHINE VIOLENCE**

**SCENE:** Neo Gets a Nasty Surprise Behind Door Number 303!

Agent Smith had a small smirk on his face. He was going to kill the retched Mr. Anderson. Yes, it was true he had attempted multiple times prior and failed, was an immortal AI, and had the strength to punch through concrete, but it took a grand total of two hours of film for him to finally come to this moment. Nothing could go wrong now, because when the odds have been going completely against you, even the most heinous of deities – God, Allah, Ra, the Pharaoh, Albert Pujols, Oscar Wilde – will eventually throw you a bone. That's how the world works, and Smith knew it to be so.

With his Desert Eagle Action Express (obviously not compensating for anything) lined up perfectly with the door, the Agent waited. In a few moments, he would pump Neo's chest full of .50 caliber bullets– a total of 9 if you wish to take count. Perhaps it was overkill, but Smith was in a foul mood. Getting run over by a subway train will do that to you. Honestly, you'll never know that feeling, dear reader.

Of course, a few questions may cross your mind– by the way, I'm totally not killing time until Neo _finally_ hauls his Keanu Reeves'-like butt up to the third floor. Firstly, how did Agent Smith get into the room? It's not the elevator, and Smith, despite popular belief, does not climb fire escapes. That's for Brown and Jones. One might hypothesize that someone was in the room. A homeless man? A crack head? Donald Trump? We can hold a poll on this subject after the movie.

Geeze, this is really embarrassing. If Neo doesn't get here soon, Smith may launch into a soliloquy that what rival Hamlet. Damn, that Dane could spin a yarn alright...

Oh, here's Neo! Sorry!

So Smith stood there, sure that as soon as Mr. Anderson slammed open that door, he would be deader than a DC Comics fan at a Marvel convention.

God, that was bad. I was planning on using something more racy, but I'm not in the mood for hate mail.

In any event, the door eventually burst open. Without so much as a "Surprise!", Smith pulled the trigger and let loose a round that would kill any normal man. For a moment, Agent Smith decided it would be cool just to let the bullet fall to the ground ever so slowly. In fact, it _was_ cool. Cinematography at its finest.

Shortly after that awkward silence, Smith realized that one bullet would not be enough. It was a brilliant deduction on his part, since Neo was a glutton for punishment and appeared to be able to sustain more of it as time went on. After that last fight, the Agent of the Matrix was not in the mood for more dialogue until his nemesis died completely. Death was always permanent; even Smith knew that. If Neo just so happened to get back up, wouldn't that make him a zombie? Suddenly, Smith made a mental note to call Leon Kennedy afterward just to be on the safe side. Bullet Time ™ be damned, nothing topped well-timed button mashing and a shotgun!

More blamming of the oversized pistol went off until Smith realized he was, in the words of his now dead enemy, indeed empty. If Neo somehow survived, the Agent considered, he would just delete himself to save the agony of asking why God was punishing him for doing his job.

When the blur of the "killing Mr. Anderson apparently for the sixth time" mode faded, Agent Smith realized there was no blood. Nada. Even zombies had blood– if indeed Neo was now a zombie. He knew he shot someone or something, and if it were indeed a large jungle cat – like an Ocelot – it would most certainly have let out a mighty roar, or torn him limb from limb in its dying moments. Anyway, Ocelots bled, so what was the point of that train of thought?

Smith took a good look at his "victim": white, looked to be in his 30's, wore a police uniform...

A police uniform...

No blood.

"Curses."

The "man" Smith had short repeatedly recovered, healing up his wounds – silver impacts in his chest – without exerting much effort.

"Double curses."

The T-1000. Ruthless killing machine, assassin from the future, and cooker of unbelievably awesome brownies. Of all the wrong people to shoot, he was the one who was _never_ in a good mood.

A finger poke of doom ripped through Smith's shoulder. The Agent winced slightly, taking a short look at the sharpest fingernail in history that protruded through his shoulder.

The T-1000 gave Agent Smith that eerie, psycho killer look before speaking.

"WTF?" he inquired calmly.

"I thought you were Mr. Anderson," Smith replied almost as calmly, but not quite as eerily.

The liquid metal killing assassin cyborg who baked brownies continued his freaky stare. "I don't like being shot."

"And I don't like it when people point AND stare. It's rude."

The T-1000 didn't get the hint, but did twist his metal finger around a bit only to find that Smith, unlike most victims, did not scream like a little girl. Only someone who was totally bad ass, like Sarah Connor or Solid Snake, wouldn't scream. So the T-1000 logged into his memory that this man was most certainly bad ass.

Hoping to break the ice, the T-1000 decided to talk again. "Call John."

Smith stared blankly from behind his sunglasses. "What?"

"I know this hurts like a motherfucker," Captain Obvious, or the T-1000, pointed out, "so call John."

The man with a fingernail lodged in his shoulder managed to gesture to the phone that had been ringing for a good ten minutes. "The line is busy."

"Why?"

"That's not your line."

"I don't have many, so I try anything I pick up."

More awkward silence and blood dripping.

"Have a name?" Agent Smith asked the T-1000, who remained looking like the next great serial murderer. "And stop looking me like that."

"My name is Pat," he, or it, depending on your view of Terminators, replied. "Pat the T-1000."

"Pat?" Smith recited out loud. "Who gave you _that_ name?"

"My creator, SkyNet."

Agent Smith gave his newly acquired adversary an incredulous look. "My creator could totally kick your creator's ass."

"Your creator is a giant floating baby head."

"Your creator is a satellite– it doesn't even do anything."

Pat the T-1000 looked surprisingly hurt by that comment. Logging through his files of possible responses, he came up with one that was assured a 100 success rate.

"You suck."

Smith let out a discomforted cough. "Uh, lame comeback, bro."

"You suck harder."

"You're an idiot," Agent Smith replied with a slight hint of venom. Was Pat finally hitting a nerve? Probably not. He tended to be more annoying than insulting.

"I'm basically your daddy," the T-1000 continued to dish out the PWNAGE. "Consider your absorption special effects in the sequel. Consider that I was copying people way before you were even a first draft. I calculate a 95 chance of James Cameron suing you to hell."

But Pat wasn't finished. "And my sequel was better."

Served.

Smith wouldn't take this lying down. Actually, he couldn't since Pat still had the nerve to leave his finger stuck in the Agent's shoulder. But I digress. This was most certainly insulting in Smith's digital eyes, and he planned to calculate even better comebacks that would short-circuit his fellow Machine.

And then Agent Brown walked up. What a simple AI. He had finally gotten the elevator to work after realizing you needed to press the up button for it to come down. Jones attempted to convey this to him, but unfortunately he was crushed by the elevator. Yes, crushed by the elevator.

The T-1000 called Pat looked at Brown with his silent psycho stare and pointed at him. His expand-o nail ripped through Brown's far head, leaving him to convulse like a chicken without a head. Heh. Chicken head. But I digress.

As Brown's host body fell to the ground, Pat turned his attention back to Smith, who raised his eyebrow in reaction to that whole series of events. Strange indeed.

Neither Pat nor Smith saw Jones, who had found a new body, sneaking up from the other side of the hall with a giant bucket. He had turned up his Stealth Index to 95, making him vertually impossible to see. That of course required urban camo and face paint, just like in _Snake Eater_, but Jones sufficiently lacked the missing eye and subsequent eye patch, meaning he could not be bad ass enough to stand amongst the greatest.

"You're a copycat" slung the verbal assault from Smith, hitting the T-1000 hard in his polycarbonite or whatever face. God damn James Cameron.

Pat's counter was quick and emotionless. "At least I'm inventive."

"We conquered humanity."

"We can time travel."

"Only because you were losing."

"No way."

"Yes way."

"I hate you."

"I hate you more."

"I– BWAAAA! OMOTHERFUCKERITSHOT! GAAAH!"

And molten steel flowed over Pat, bringing a flavored for your pleasure death to the T-1000. Jones had dumped the entire bucket on the cyborg, making one wonder where exactly he got the molten steel and how a bucket held it all. I guess it's because they're in the Matrix or something like that.

So the T-1000 melted away like the Wicked Witch of the West, and Smith was left with a small gaping hole in his shoulder. The greatest confrontation between Machines ended with the T-1000 roaring like a T-Rex with a giant hot cactus shoved up its anal cavity, but the bad assness remained.

Agent Smith looked to Jones. "Check him."

Jones, knowing nothing but Smith's commands, bent down and stuck his fingers into the burning hot molten steel, immediately vaporizing his fingers. "He's gone."

Smith then looked down the hallway. "I wonder where Mr. Anderson went..."

- - - - - -

"Whoa."

"Why?"

"No."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why?"

"Alright."

"Why?"

"The hell?"

"Why?"

"I can't."

"Why?"

And thus the T-800 and Neo continued their Socratic dialogue. Rock on Socrates.

- - - - - -

**NOTE:** I was in the mood for some _Terminator_, so I let my two most favoritest villains meet. I figure it's a pretty accurate depiction, don't you?


	5. Matrix Gear Solid

**MATRIX GEAR SOLID**

**Part I**

**SCENE:** Subway Duel

It's hard to be happy immediately after nearly being pulled off a skyscraper by helicopter which nearly killed your girlfriend– er, or woman you would like to get closer to. However, Neo is The One, and therefore he can be happy whenever he damn well pleases. As such, he was extremely jubilant over the successful rescue mission of his mentor. Well, as happy as Keanu Reeves can be prior to a big fight. Too much foreshadowing? I thought so.

Morpheus had just gone first via the telephone that leads out of the Matrix, and Trinity was on the verge of telling Neo something as a subway train rumbled by. Yep, something important like that she didn't think they would work as a couple, or that she thought Neo would look sexy if he grew a mullet. Not really. Trinity isn't a mullet girl, and since the 1980's are finished, Neo ain't a mullet guy either.

So after the eerie silence that could only be sustained by an actor of Keanu Reeves' boundless talent to give people/things long, confused looks, Trinity decided she best make haste and get back to the Neb before something happened. Call it women's intuition plus the ability to jump buildings in a single leap.

As Trinity picked up the receiver and put it to her ear, she caught sight of a man aiming his gun and firing at her with uncanny accuracy. Thankfully, Trinity was sucked through the phone before her head could explode like a watermelon fired out of a cannon against a brick wall. A split second difference could have made quite a few fanboys unhappy.

After the shot, Neo turned around slowly with a determined look on face to confront his opponent. Somehow, he thought, Smith had found a way to follow him–

"Right. Touch that receiver and the telephone will go up along with the old man."

Neo blinked as best he could. Apparently, a Colonel Sanders look-alike holding an Old West pistol had decided to take a shot at his soon-to-be girlfriend. Then, something even more important hit him:

"_What_ old man?" Indeed, no old man was present.

His opponent now had a chance to blink dumbly. "Well, er, no matter. It's time for you to meet your maker." Now Colonel Sanders – or so Neo thought – began showing off his 1337 gun slinging skills by flipping his pistols around and doing various tricks.

"Special Operations FOXHOUND..."

Insert gun tricks here.

"Revolver..."

More gun tricks. Uber c00l ones, mind you.

"Ocelot."

"Wait," Neo interceded as he prepared to ask one of his millions of questions he had in memory storage. "You're named after a monkey?"

Ocelot growled. Growled, get it? "An Ocelot is a jungle cat, idiot. Do you watch National Geographic?"

"No," the soon-to-be One replied as simply as possible. "I can't do it."

"Why not?" Ocelot asked. "It's free with satellite. You get billions of channels that you wouldn't find on cable."

"Morpheus says TV is only good for explaining the eradication of mankind," Neo replied.

The FOXHOUND member stroked his chin and paced around a bit. "Oh well, too bad. Here, want to see my gun? It's a Colt Single Action Army." Ocelot proceeded to unload the gun and let Neo watch each bullet fall to the ground as slowly as possible. "Six bullets. Enough to kill–"

BAM!

"Sonofabitch!" Ocelot yelled as he dropped his gun and glared at Neo, who had pulled out his own gun and shot him. "Why the hell did you do that?! Moron!"

"The voice in my head told me to shoot you when you reload," the former hacker replied with the simplicity of a child. "Besides, I played this game before, dude."

Ocelot quickly shook off his wound and quickly reloaded his gun. "Alright, so you think you know the score, kid? Now I'll show you why they call me 'Revolver.'"

"Because you use revolvers?"

The super soldier from FOXHOUND glared at his opponent. "Suck it hard."

"That's what I told your mom last night!" Neo quipped as if he was a genius. "Oh, PWNED you!"

"Idiot."

A bullet from one of Ocelot's guns bounced off the wall to Neo side and ricocheted into our hero's skull. Immediately, he fell over and died, blood pouring from his head as he laid on the ground. Just then, words scrolled across the screen as Morpheus yelled like an Englishman.

"Neo?! Neo respond! Neo?! NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOO!!!!"

**NEO IS DEAD- TIME PARADOX**

**CONTINUE** or **EXIT**?

Of course, we'll choose Continue because the story would be unfunny otherwise.

Rewind back to a few moments before...

The super soldier from FOXHOUND glared at his opponent. "Suck it hard."

"That's what I told your mom last night!" Neo quipped as if he was a genius. "Oh, PWNED you!"

"Idiot."

BAM!

A bullet from one of Ocelot's guns bounced off the wall to Neo side and ricocheted towards our hero's skull, but he dodged it gracefully thanks to having the power of foresight or some equivalent thereof. Neo wasted no time in finding cover before he could get riddled full of bouncy bullets. However, even hiding behind one of the cement posts would not be enough.

BAM!

Another bullet bounced in Neo direction and hit him in the arm. Gasping in pain as he went into Cure Mode, he heard Ocelot taunting him from afar.

"Hiding won't help you. You see, I have an uncanny knack for making bullets go where I want them to."

"Well, uh, I can dodge bullets, bitch!" Neo retorted as jumped out from around the cement post and fire, managing to plunk Ocelot in the leg. Still, his life bar had quite a bit left.

This is how the battle continue for the next ten minutes. Ocelot would shoot at Neo, and Neo would shoot at Ocelot. A bullet would hit once and a while and someone would scream and bleed. A few trains passed by and quite a bit of innocent passengers had to dodge bullets that bounced into their subway cars. Neo ability to use Focus and gobble down rations, however, eventually turned the tide.

One of the stranger exchanges was when Ocelot commented on his love of bullets slamming down a well-greased chamber. That scared our hero quite a bit– almost as much as when Morpheus offered to show him how deep the rabbit hole went.

"Hmm," Ocelot murmured as he hid behind one of the bullet riddled cement posts, "you're pretty good. Just what I'd expect from The One. But I'm just getting warmed up."

A dramatic pause. The conclusion of the most awesome gunfight ever was forthcoming, though any good gamer knows that there are no conclusions in Metal Gear battles, only more Codec calls, strangling guards, and giant bipedal death tanks.

Just as Ocelot revealed himself to fire upon Neo, a noticeable problem arose that could not be ignored.

Oh, and the chunking sound didn't help either.

"WTF?" the gunslinger exclaimed as he watched a good portion of his arm fall off. "This is weak!" Blood blasted out of his stumpy right arm – or the remains of said arm – at an alarming rate. Armed with only with one revolver, Ocelot decided it was better to get down and not get the rest of his being handed to him in chunks.

Neo peeked out to see what was going on. Not even he expected this random act of violence, especially from the man he saw before him.

Smith. With a katana. A bloody katana.

Ocelot gasped as he grabbed his lobbed off hand. "You! Don't you even die right?"

Smith shrugged. "I don't die. I'm an Agent. Duh."

"What do you want?" The One asked in total confusion, honestly seeking an answer from his worst enemy.

"I'm going to kill you, Mr. Anderson," Smith growled as he gestured towards his adversary with the deadly blade in hand, "and your little dog too."

Meanwhile, the once proud Ocelot made a beeline for the exit along with his severed hand.

"You were lucky! I'll kick your ass next time, n00b!"


	6. Breakfast of Champions

**BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS**

**SCENE:** Gourmet Food on the Nebuchadnezzar

_An opening paragraph word by The Architect:_

To eat or not to eat. Alas, it is a paradox that has plagued man since the dawn of his history. Nourishment is, by design, an effective way of staying alive. Sustenance is required by all homo (OMG LOLZ) sapiens to exist. Thus Neo, prior to achieving an anomalous state, was confronted by a self-contradictory chain of choices to be solved either by refusal or compliance. Unfortunately, he was only human. Ergo, he required the consumption of a balance of electrolytes, vitamins, little rabbits, and Sipderman collectibles needed by every human. The anomaly would have no choice in the matter by the words of his crew member Tank who instructed the One to commence the consumption and digestion of his rations. To phrase the pedagogy in colloquial terminology (Oh snap! A rhyme!):

"The breakfast of champions."

Neo looked at the tray before him. He suddenly was brought back to his days in high school when he was forced to eat the crap served to him every day for better or for worse. Heck, since his father's failure at inventing the next great blender to end all blenders, the hacker had even gone to school at night to have his dinners. Because of that, Neo swore off all cafeteria food. In fact, his yearbook quote was, "I have sworn off all cafeteria food. Tina from Chem class is hot!"

Before he could ask why someone had served him cat vomit on squashed rodent with old milk and Cheerios, an annoying voice piped up from Neo's right.

"If you close your eyes, it almost feels like your eating runny eggs."

Apoc looked up and glared at Mouse, who had made the comment. "Are you saying my food tastes like runny eggs, bitch?"

Mouse gulped nervously. Apoc was a man who didn't take insults lightly. The man was scary when it came to his cooking. "Uh, no, no! It's super awesome!" The scrawny programmer looked around nervously, hoping someone would bail him out. "I like. . . uh, runny eggs! My mom made them for me all the time! She would get the chickens and stick a drill in their–"

"Shut up, bitch," Apoc interrupted. "If I wanted to hear about your life, I'd punch you in the face, bitch. Ya dig?"

As always, Mouse cowered. "I dig."

Dozer, meanwhile, kept gobbling the "runny eggs" down like a starving hobo. "Hmm. . . there's something different about this stuff today. A little extra flavor." The big man chewed a little more intently. "Different texture, but I like it!"

"It reminds me of Cap'n Crunch," Mouse spoke again, totally recovered from being verbally threatened by Apoc. He turned to Neo. "Did you ever eat Cap'n Crunch?"

As soon as Neo shook his head, everyone stopped eating. Death glares immediately directed themselves at Neo. The poor bastard was very confused.

"What? Did I say something?"

"Never ate Cap'n Crunch?" Switch asked angrily. "What are you, a Philistine?"

"A man hasn't lived until he's been crunchitized by the Cap'n," Dozer added, slowly returning to his meal as he kept his glare on Neo.

And so an awkward moment settled upon the crew. That wasn't unusual. In fact, it had happened just an hour ago when a giant sewer rat was found in Morpheus' bed. Cypher swore his innocence before retreating to a corner to cry over his failure. Does that make sense? Not likely since Cypher needed Morpheus alive to hand over to the Agents. I'm giving away vital plot information. Woo-hoo.

"So," Mouse once again dared to speak after the awkward silence passed, "I heard you went through the Agent training program."

Noe nodded as he blankly stared at his meal. He swore it had winked at him.

"What did you think of her?"

Neo perked up as much as his alter ego Keanu Reeves would allow. "Who?"

Mouse leaned forward and grinned while whispering. "The woman in the red dress."

The mentioning of the woman in the red dress made Neo smile ever so slightly. He could not deny it: he was in love with her. Everything about that woman consumed his thoughts: her hair, her lips, her breasts, her curves, and her breasts. The big turnoff was finding out most tragically that she was actually an Australian cross-dresser who wore a black suit and tie and wielded a gun. Bye-bye boobies. The soon-to-be One would never miss a rack quite like that ever again.

"I designed her myself," Mouse continued while wearing the grin of a prepubescent pervert. "She's mega super awesome. I don't know of any other girl who looks like a super model and plays Dungeons and Dragons." His eyes shifted around. "If you want to meet here, I can arrange a more personalized milieu."

"I didn't know he spoke French, bitch," Apoc mused before going back to his meal.

"Digital pimp, hard at work," came Switch's amused commentary. Mouse simply glared at those sitting across from him at the table.

"Pay no attention to these hypocrites, Neo. They're just jealous that they can't keep the pimp hand strong."

Apoc slammed his fist down on the table, startling everyone but Trinity, who calmly continued her meal. "Bitch, you ain't got a pimp hand. That's a wanksta hand. That being said, you ain't no pimp."

Before Mouse could reply (more like quiver in fear), Morpheus burst in the mess hall holding a giant iron pipe and wearing an expression of unchecked anger. Everyone, except for Trinity, was once again shocked by the sudden entrance of their normally collected captain. Before Morpheus could get in a word, Cypher put his tray on his head and tried to crawl under the table. Unfortunately, he only managed to cover himself in awful food.

"Someone was in the food supplies again," Morpheus growled as he glared across the room. "And _nobody_ goes in the food supplies except me! Now," the captain of the Neb began as he tapped the pipe against his free hand in an intimidating fashion, "someone better talk before Mr. Pipe lays the smack down!"

Mouse meekly raised his hand. "'Twas me, nuncle."

Morpheus glared at the smallest crew member. Heh, I said smallest member. "What were you doing there?"

"I spiced up the food, so to speak," Mouse answered in a hesitant tone.

Dozer looked over to Mouse. "Well, whatever you added, it sure made this stuff taste great! Morpheus, you should really try it."

The captain of the _Nebuchadnezzar_ scowled. "What did you add to it, Mouse?"

"I just. . . uh. . . "

"Out with it, boy!"

"I just gizzed in the food! That's all!"

A great silence fell across the land of Egypt. . . or in this case, the _Nebuchadnezzar_. For once in his life, Neo was glad that he had not given into peer pressure by eating his food. Apoc began turning a shade of green while Switch struggled not to let loose projectile vomit. Tank slowed down his frantic pace to be the greatest meal eater ever before finally coming to a complete halt. Meanwhile, Trinity continued to calmly eat her meal. Cypher remained under his messy tray.

With Morpheus too shocked to take the appropriate action, Dozer slowly stood up with his metal tray in hand. Walking calmly over to Mouse, he loomed over the little hacker like Bubba the Cellmate looms over "fresh meat." Without hesitation, Dozer swiftly smashed his tray over Mouse's head, knocking him out cold, causing his body to slump against Neo before falling to the steel floor.

"Check his pulse, bitch," advised Apoc ever so eloquently as soon as Mouse slid to the floor. "If his heart's still beating, hit him again. Nobody gizzes in my food and lives to laugh about it."

"And let this be a lesson to you all," Morpheus warned his crew, "if you ever, _ever_ choke the milkman near the food supplies, you're going to get the beat down. Dig it?"

And dug it those suckas did.

- - - - - -

**SUPER AWESOME NOTICE:** If ya don't mind me doing shameless self-promotion, you should check out my story **The Rabbit Hole** for a more serious story. "OMG it's a crossover with _Sailor Moon_!" you may say, but give it a read nonetheless. You might just like it. Hopefully. Most probably. I'll stop now.


End file.
